Relationship Advice

The Hard Road

woman washing dishes

I am going through what you could call a divorce, though he divorced me nine months ago. We have one child, and he left with no explanation and no warning. I tried to find out why. He would not tell me.

I still love him and can't seem to move on, and he's already married the girl he left me for. I sit here and think of him all the time.

Janice


Janice, imagine you lost your keys. You search everywhere. You look in your dresser drawer six times. The keys aren't there. To make yourself feel better, you look one more time. When you see they still aren't there, accept it. Trust what you see with your own eyes. Don't torture yourself by looking there again.

Whatever plans, hopes and dreams you had with this man aren't going to happen. Perhaps he will be involved in your child's life, perhaps not. But you have to realize the keys to your life are not to be found in this drawer. They are not to be found with this man.

The only way to stop hurting is by focusing on what you can do and where you are going. The more you focus on your ex-husband, the more pain you will inflict on yourself. Nine months ago you were where you are now. If you don't change your focus, you will still be there nine months from now.

Wayne & Tamara


Still On First Base

I'm seeing someone at the moment, or I think we're seeing each other. A year ago this woman had a fling with a friend, which was when I met her.

During that time I got to know her and fell for her. After she broke up with my friend, we've sort of been dating, or at least going out a lot to movies and supper. I've gone no farther than a kiss on the cheek.

Understandably, she feels awkward. It doesn't help that my circle of friends had a reputation for being close-knit and quite hedonistic a few years ago. So she feels she wants to take her time.

I understand and I'm happy to do so. But I'm beginning to wonder whether she likes me romantically. I've asked if she is only interested in me as a friend and she insists it's more than mere friendship.

I've since learned from my friend, the one she slept with, that she complains I'm too intense. Okay, I'm a little serious admittedly, but she calls me more often than I call her. Also, on the issue of being intense, I'm not good at gamesmanship.

I'm a straightforward guy. I won't play the hard-to-get game. Is this something I should consider perhaps? Making myself a little less available?

Otmar

Otmar, playing games complicates things, and makes it impossible to have an honest relationship. Playing games only lengthens the time you spend with the wrong person.

There is a key in your letter. She complains about you to your friend. This suggests she's more connected to him than to you.

Our need for love is so strong we try to make every relationship work. Only in retrospect can we see and accept that failed relationships were not to be. It was only our need and desire which made us go forward.

What we say may be painful to hear, but there is more pain in ignoring the facts. Love feels good. When it feels like a struggle, battle or fight, it isn't love.

Wayne & Tamara

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