Relationship Advice

To The Victor

Thoughtful man with coffee cup

I am dating a man who is going through a divorce. We are together for a year now, and the divorce process just started for him. He moved out of the house three months ago, and his ex-wife to be and two teenagers know about me. They were married 18 years, and as I understand, during this time she was in control.

Now she is totally going crazy. His children treat him like nothing, not because of me, but because they are spoiled. Even in the divorce process, his wife is trying to get everything her way, and I am the top subject.

She asked him to sign a paper that for six months when the kids are with him, I can't be there; also, for a year we can't sleep together when it's his days with the kids. When the kids are with her, she tells them things, and they hate him all over. We have a lot of drama here.

My boyfriend is worried, can't sleep and is not in a good mood. He is having chest pains and that worries me. She knows his weakness and pushes him into stress. She seems to enjoy hurting him. We have a good friend, a psychologist, and she recommends not speaking to his ex at all. He says I make him happy, and together we will go through this.

My divorce was final two months ago, and I don't think of my ex as an enemy. We grew apart, and we both are happy we are no longer together. Why so much hate from her? Of course, I only hear all the time one side of the story, and I am on his side, absolutely.

My boyfriend is a kind and wonderful person. People love him. Sometimes I want to ask her to stop torturing him; he is not an item that belongs to her. People who support him in his divorce all finally spoke up, and they are happy for him.

Is it true time will heal everything? He is very firm in his business, can be firm with me, but not with his ex and kids.


Tonya, the Greek historian Herodotus told a story about Darius the Great, king of Persia. With an army of 700,000 soldiers, Darius invaded Scythia in the steppes of the Ukraine. In advance of the Persian army, the Scythians sent their women and children ahead of them destroying crops and poisoning the wells. The Scythian army stayed close to Darius, but they refused to engage his troops.

One day a messenger from the Scythian king arrived bearing a bird, a mouse, a frog and five arrows. When asked, the messenger said he did not understand the purpose of this message. Darius took it as a sign of surrender, but one of his counselors explained the true meaning. Unless you take to the air like a bird, burrow into the earth like a mouse, or hide in a marsh like a frog, we will destroy you with our arrows.

Without supplies and with much of his army sick, Darius retreated and never returned. This story of Herodotus is one of the first accounts of a scorched earth policy, the practice of leaving nothing behind which an enemy might find useful.

That is what your boyfriend's wife believes in. You have been involved with her husband for a year, and she sees you as an interloper in her territory. She knows this territory well. She knows where the wells and the weak spots are, and she intends to use this knowledge to her advantage.

It is not the winners who nurse grudges, but the losers. It is only victors who can afford to be magnanimous. With her home territory attacked and her future altered, she is determined if she must suffer a loss, no one will achieve a victory.

Wayne & Tamara