Coming Of Age
I got married to a girl two years ago. My parents found the girl, we met three times and I went back to the country where I work. I said yes because I didn't have anything to say no to because she is a nice girl, well-cultured, well-behaved and everything my family wanted.
A few months after our engagement I realized I am not at all connected to her and don't have the feelings for her I am supposed to have. I didn't have any kind of attraction, so I wanted to call off the wedding.
I spoke to the girl and told her the issue and told the same to my parents, but since we are from a conservative society, it was too late to back out and I went ahead with the marriage. After the wedding, like every couple, we had lots of fights and quarrels over all kinds of issues.
At the same time we did everything to build the relationship. She always did things out of love for me, and I did things because as a husband, I am supposed to do them. I have been a very caring husband, and she has been equally or more caring towards me.
From a third person's point of view, our marriage looks perfect, but I don't have any attraction towards my wife. I don't feel like getting physical with her. Most of the time we have sex only because I have avoided it for so many days.
Two months ago I told my wife I don't feel connected even after two years of marriage. Since then life has been very difficult for us. We've been living apart for ten days. My parents and family members are trying to convince us everything will be fine, you have to give it time, and so forth.
My wife still can't believe what I told her, because if there was no love, I wouldn't be so caring. I am supposed to give my final answer about the marriage in a few days so she can tell her parents and family. I am so confused.
Sanjay, a popular song after World War I asked the question, "How 'ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they've seen Paree?" These days everyone has seen Paris, or at least they could. The world is a small place, as small as the nearest smartphone.
For people who believe in arranged marriage the question is, how are you going to keep them in an arranged marriage when they see people their own age around the world free to marry whomever they choose?
Arranged marriage depended on two things. People had no access to another way, and social pressure could be used to bring young people into line. But both those things are collapsing. Many young people in conservative cultures see arranged marriage as no more than putting a stallion and a mare together, and hoping for the best.
But people are not livestock and times are changing. We have access to more and more things. People are less dependent on those around them, and they are not so easily threatened into doing what someone else wants them to do.
You know your experience, and you know members of your family don't have to live within your marriage. They don't know you better than you know yourself. Where is their proof that you will ever like this?
You are a man who works for a living, yet you don't have a right to say, "I don't want to share a bed with this woman." Why is that right? Why don't you have a right to choose a wife? Those are the questions.
There is no reason to think your feelings about this marriage will ever change. Though your family wants to keep you down on the farm, it is already too late.
Wayne & Tamara